you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
