Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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