Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize