Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize