Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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