he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
