Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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