a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Mom said you looked used
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
