even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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