your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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