My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
