Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I wear drunk well.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
