I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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