I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize