My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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