He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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