my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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