you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
