god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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