at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize