Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
