Betty ford says i'm here all night
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
