And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
