Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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