White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
