My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
