i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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