he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
