I think scott just propositioned me for sex
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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