I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize