Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
