paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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