I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
