this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
do nipples grow back?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
