I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
