Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
