Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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