i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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