woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
