Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
