we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
