the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
never play flip cup with pint glasses
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Randomize
