We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
