just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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