no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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