I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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