I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
