I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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