suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
your like the ambassador to my penis.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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