I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
