I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
