just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
