this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
