theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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