Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
