Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize